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relief

What occurs in my mind is not me. A thought without action is just a thought.

The difference from me being a dick today compared to me being a dick before I got clean is that today I feel bad, that’s growth. It’s about progress not perfection.

It’s impossible for me to go through life without expectations. I’m sorry, I expect shit, but whether my expectations are met or not…I let it go.

When I meet someone for the first time there’s judgment. It’s called the first impression, not the last or only impression. Today I refrain from just tossing someone into a category and leaving them there to rot or be king. Recover has taught me to always be aware of people so not to be blind sided by superficial charm and intelligence or disgusted by a dirty beard and tattered smelly cloths.

I love People but they will let me down. The program is perfect, God is perfect, we’re not. I always leave room for human error because I love people and want to give them a break. Life’s tough enough already.

Priceless

We see that, regardless of the presence or absence of material success in our lives, we can be content. We can be happy and fulfilled with or without money, with or without a partner, with or without the approval of others. We’ve begun to see that God’s will for us is the ability to live with dignity, to love ourselves and others, to laugh, and to find great joy and beauty in our surroundings. Our most heartfelt longings and dreams for our lives are coming true. These priceless gifts are no longer beyond our reach. They are, in fact, the very essence of God’s will for us.

I used to think I only had to turn over the without part of the paragraph above. By turn over I mean hand off to my higher power or God. Recovery has taught me to turn over everything whether it be a promotion or demotion, she hates me or loves me, I have a lot or a little.

You see, whether I’m boasting over my million dollar deal and new ride or crying in the dark because she left, it’s all ego. Pride and self pity are exactly the same and complete opposites. One sits at one end of the ego spectrum and the other sits at the same point at the other end.

My addiction wants me to find misery, discomfort and discontent in everything. The N.A. literature states I can be content and fulfilled with or without. Stuff doesn’t make me happy or sad, it’s my perception of self that decides.

The program leads me to self acceptance, the ultimate comfort zone. The greatest gift I have received from the 12 steps of Narcotics Anonymous is the understanding that I’m not perfect.

My 1st DUI

Check it, Don’t wreck it…HA!

No Bueno

I was living in West Palm Beach attempting to complete culinary school, growing reefer and being a jerk to my girlfriend. I actually performed well at school when I wasn’t nodding out. Not sure why my girlfriend stayed with me; perhaps she felt trapped, perhaps it was because when I wasn’t fucked up I was nice or maybe the bud was that good. The bud was good, but she probably felt trapped because I was fucked up. I was approaching my bottom at full speed, the brakes, they didn’t work.

Most of my days were spent popping pills and drinking those 16oz cans of Natural Ice, 5.9% by volume. Most of my nights were spent using cocaine, ecstasy and pretty much whatever I could get my hands on. I worked in Delray Beach which was about 30 minutes from West Palm. This small danish restaurant called Out of Denmark. The food was amazing, the owner was kind of a dick and we drank every night. I didn’t mind the commute considering it was a cash only establishment with no computers. I’d leave with no less than $300.

Life was good…right?

One warm night in November my Estonian friend Martin and I were finishing our evening stealing from that poor old Dane. As usual we had probably already finished a bottle of wine and a six pack, each. Martin suggested that the Dada Bar would be crawling with hotties and we should hit it up. Of course I agreed but pussy was the last thing on my mind.

I don’t recall much after arriving but I can tell you I had the charm of demolition.

I can vaguely remember driving Martin home, the wrong way down a one way street.

Martin was like, “Dude, stay at my house you’re gonna KILL somebody.”

I was like, “Dude, NO!“

So I drove, blacked out on I-95 from Delray to West Palm. Needless to say, I didn’t make it home. Minutes into my drive I passed out at 100 mph. In to the median I went, slid side ways, flipped, slammed into a guard rail and slid another 40 feet. All I can really access from long term is the sound of twisting metal.

I walked away with out a scratch.

The cop said I was cooperative, this was my 1st DUI, I blew a .24.

Despite stupid shit occurring years before this night and after, I still didn’t stop using drugs but it all had to happen. Some are not as fortunate as me. If you want to know where I’m at today…read my other posts.

I’m the greatest person ever!

“My guidance and my strength comes from a Higher Power, not from my own self. I will practice the Twelve Steps to become more God-centered and less self-centered”

What is self-centeredness? It is our belief that the world revolves around us. Our wishes, our demands are the only ones worth consideration. Our self-centered minds believe they are capable of getting everything they want if only they would be left to their own devices. SeIf-centeredness assumes total self-sufficiency.

We say that self-centeredness is the spiritual part of our disease because the self-centered mind cannot conceive of anything greater or more important than itself. But there is a spiritual solution to our spiritual malady: the Twelve Steps of Narcotics Anonymous. The steps lead us away from self-centeredness and toward Godcenteredness.

We strip away our delusion of self-sufficiency by admitting our own powerlessness and seeking the aid of a Power greater than ourselves. We acknowledge the bankruptcy of our self-righteousness by admitting we’ve been wrong, making amends, and seeking knowledge of what’s right from the God our understanding. And we deflate our overwhelming sense of self-importance by seeking to serve others, not only ourselves.

The self-centeredness afflicting our spirit can be treated with a spiritual solution: the Twelve Steps.

Just For Today Daily Meditation is the property of Narcotics Anonymous©

It was my self-centeredness that blocked me from seeing the truth and fed my denial in active addiction. Denial cannot live without self-centeredness.

I was oblivious to the obvious negative consequences of my choices. It wasn’t my choices that were a problem, it was the reactions others had to my choices that were a problem. I thought if everyone would just leave me the fuck alone I’d be fine.  That’s the type of sick selfish thinking I had while abusing drugs and almost destroying my life. Thinking only of myself.

What’s funny is that after a ton of negative consequences, some of which were life threatening, I had a moment of clarity and this moment was kind of selfish. In this moment I realized that my life sucked and if I didn’t change, I’d die. Thinking of myself.

The difference is in one case I only thought of myself, didn’t need anyone else and if pursued only leads to prison, the crazy house and a coffin. In the other case I was thinking of myself but in a positive way that included help, could lead to spirituality and eventually helping others.

Today I realize that everything  I do has an effect on the world around me and I can choose to be negative, fucked up, selfish and alone or positive, clean, helpful and not alone.

From Hopeless to Dopeless…

We Do Recover

When at the end of the road we find that we can no longer function as a human being, either with or without drugs, we all face the same dilemma. What is there left to do? There seems to be this alternative: either go on as best we can to the bitter ends-jails, institutions, or death-or find a new way to live. In years gone by, very few addicts ever had this last choice. Those who are addicted today are more fortunate. For the first time in history, a simple way has been proving itself in the lives of many addicts. It is available to us all. This is a simple spiritual-not religious-program, known as…

1. Narcotics Anonymous
2. Alcoholics Anonymous
3. Over eaters Anonymous
4. Co-Dependents Anonymous
5. Debtors Anonymous
6. Recoveries Anonymous
7. Gamblers Anonymous
8. Sex Addicts Anonymous

Whatever…just GO!

I do feel more fortunate to have struggled with addiction. My drug abuse has lead to my life today, my spirituality, and I would not change a thing.

I had a drug problem that eventually forced me to make a choice; continue on, in the problem or try something new.

I’m a member of a program that has arrested my addiction, taught me to live outside of my head and embrace my true self.

I was a Hopeless Dope Fiend…Now I’m a

How the state of our nation and the Presidency relate to recovering from addiction.

The Program

Our country has reached a bottom; a point of desperation that calls for positive change and action. Many Americans have not so much changed their beliefs, but  have questioned the acceptance and open mindedness of their beliefs. I reached a bottom and questioned my choices. When I accepted where my life was at, I became open minded and searched for a solution, positive change and action.

Here we go. Let’s say Barack Obama is the 12 step fellowship and our country is the drug addict. Obama breathes willingness, acceptance, compassion, open mindedness, faith and HOPE. Our country is beat up, ready to surrender, sick and tired of being sick and tired. We’re ready for change, our country is ready for a recovery program. A program that announces willingness, acceptance, open mindedness, HOPE and is pretty much the opposite of the past eight years. Our country has come out of the darkness and is ready to follow Barack Obama.

There have been questions about religion, just as I questioned my religious upbringing in early recovery. Questions about fear, fear of faith. In recovery from addiction it was suggested that I search out my own personal beliefs based on hope, faith, love, care and not judge others who do not believe as I do.

Is Islam the Truth? Is Judaism the Truth?  Is the gospel of Jesus Christ the Truth? Is Secular Humanism the Truth? Decide for yourself. Then represent that Truth honorably.

Proverbs 1:7 probably says it best. “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge” (KJV). By “The Lord” I mean whatever forms your belief system.  And the word  “Fear”  translates to “reverence” or “Awe” or “obedience”.

Basically it means that what you believe about God (whatever that god is for you) is the beginning of your wisdom, all your reasoning proceeds from there. If you are horrified by that belief in any way, I would suggest re-examining what it is you really believe in.

Today’s inauguration is like the first step. It’s like our country is admitting defeat and surrendering to the program. Obama can not do it alone just as I couldn’t recover from addiction alone. He needs our help for our country is only as good as it’s people, just as 12 step fellowships are only as good as their members. It’s important that we follow his direction to a better life, put aside our differences and move forward as a nation united.

The 44th President said, “We gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.”

I chose the hope and the unity of purpose found in 12 step fellowships. Today a live without fear, conflict and discord.

What I want isn’t always best…

I’m way better than I used to be about getting crazy upset if something doesn’t go my way or I don’t get what I want. Sometimes I think I’m so fucking smart and have all the answers but the truth is, I don’t know shit.

What I want and expect isn’t always what’s best for me and so far in recovery, it’s my experience that hindsight is 20/20. At times I’ve been a real jerk because I didn’t get what I wanted or a person didn’t act like I thought they should act. My head tells me that the universe is working against me and my world will end  if I don’t take control. Then a day, a week or a couple months go by and I receive some clarity about that feeling of impending doom and 9 times out of 10, that situation was perfect and happened exactly as it was supposed to happen.

Look, it is my opinion that it’s impossible to go through life without wants and expectations.  When my wants and expectations aren’t met it is best just to accept it.  Because  I’ll see later that I did, in fact, get what I wanted and my expectation sucked, wasn’t realistic or I wasn’t ready for whatever I was expecting.  God will always give me what is best for me, but I may not realize it until hindsight sets in.

I make plans, but don’t plan results.

Beating Myself

You're going down!

I will learn to overcome myself, because every blow to selfishness is used to shape the real, eternal, imperishable me. As I overcome myself, I gain that power which God releases in my soul. And I too will be victorious. It is not the difficulties of life that I have to conquer, so much as my own selfishness.

Honesty, open mindedness and willingness are the three spiritual principles that are indispensable when recovering from active addiction. Practicing these principles are the basis of conquering my selfishness. Each time I raise my hand and announce I’m an addict or pray, I’m sending  a blow to my selfishness. Each time I help another person unconditionally or refrain from passing judgment on a stranger, I’m sending a blow to my selfishness. Each step I work, each amends I make and each time I share my experience with another suffering addict, I’m sending a blow to my selfishness. Whenever I give up control and ask for help I’m sending a blow to my selfishness. Every hug I give sends a blow to my selfishness. The more love I exert the less selfish I am.

Each day I stay clean, sends a blow to my selfishness.

Meeting makers make it…but how many?

12 step fellowship meetings are important; from Narcotics Anonymous to Alcoholic’s Anonymous and Over Eater’s Anonymous to Gambler’s Anonymous, they all play an important role in the recovery of addiction and essentially use the same principals and process. In early recovery it was suggested I go to a meeting everyday for at least the first 90 days, I did over 90. There was a transition that desperately needed to take place. The transition from using and making unhealthy choices to that of not using and making healthy choices. It was suggested that I not worry about the entire 12 step step program at first, just go to meetings and if I was ready the rest would just begin to unfold. I didn’t worry, I was ready and it did.

I began to see that there was a lot more to the the 12 step fellowship than just meetings. The most content and happy people spoke about something called balance. These people didn’t just go to meetings; they worked the 12 steps, they were involved in service work, they had a sponsor and sponsees, they prayed and meditated. Oh yeah, and they lived their life outside of the 12 step fellowship. Did balance mean I had to have equal parts of each important life changing action? Balance is not set in stone. What I consider balance for my life might be completely imbalanced for someone else and my balance changes as my life changes. Attending daily 12 step meetings was my balance as a newcomer because as I said before, my schedule needed an abrupt change. Since all my attempts to gradually end active addiction had failed it was about seeking the help I needed to stop completely, cold turkey. I had to be taught a life away from addiction and the teaching began with a meeting everyday.

Did that mean I had to go to a meeting everyday for the rest of my life? Balance was about understanding and accepting my life and it’s changes and then managing my life in a manner that is spiritually healthy. Not to be redundant but my life management skills sucked in early recovery and meetings taught me the actions I needed to take in order to better manage my life. Balance for some is daily 12 step meeting attendance even after years away from active addiction and balance for others might be one or two meetings a week. Either way it doesn’t really matter as long as I’m happily balancing my life in a spiritually healthy manner.

Sometimes I think there’s too much emphasis on daily meeting attendance. Please don’t get me wrong meeting attendance is an important part of recovery. However,  meetings and the Program are not my life; they teach me the skills and principles I need to have a life worth living.

Today I have over five years away from active addiction, I go to one meeting a week (it’s my home group), I’ve worked the 12 steps and to the best of my ability I practice the principles I’ve learned in those steps, I have two sponsees, I maintain friendships, I work full time, I’m in a healthy relationship with the most beautiful woman in the world, I parent, I have a sponsor and I’m sure there’s more. Balancing my life has not come easy, but it’s been easier than my life in addiction. It would be difficult to tell you how I divide it up exactly and might even bore you. My life has ups and downs, twists and turns, it’s exciting, tough, I’m happy and I love it…my balance will change, that’s my life!